Congress Passes AI Transparency Law Only Algorithms Read

Congress Passes AI Transparency Law Only Algorithms Read

Law requires disclosures be published as probabilistic pseudocode on an unreadable blockchain; humans get glossy photo‑ops.

In a display political aides called "meaningful theater," Congress on Tuesday passed the Algorithmic Transparency and Accountability Act, which requires AI companies to publish full algorithmic disclosures — written in probabilistic pseudocode and posted to a permissioned blockchain — meaning machines will understand them perfectly and people will definitely not.

Lawmakers celebrated on the steps of the Capitol with bipartisan ribbon-cutting and a commemorative server rack (LEDs calibrated to a solemn blue). Press releases called the bill "historic," while the law's technical appendix ran to 317 pages of formalized obfuscation (including a sampling function labeled generate_veracity()).

"We finally have transparency we can trust," said Sen. Dolores Firm (Chair, Committee on Symbolic Gestures). "If a machine can read it, that's accountability. If a person wants to read it too, they can… learn to be a machine."

Implementation guidance published by the Office of Algorithmic Goodwill explains that disclosures must be posted as "probabilistic pseudocode (.ppc) accompanied by a cryptographic hash and a notarized declaration that a verifying algorithm read the file and gave it a green check." The verifying algorithm itself is listed as "certified" on the National Immutable Ledger — a blockchain whose explorer returns a friendly message: "File committed. Please consult your nearest API."

Industry compliance, naturally, was fulsome.

"We uploaded a 7,421-line Monte Carlo explanation and a moral-weight tensor to the Ledger before lunch," said Dax Ellison, Chief Compliance Officer at HalcyonAI. "It's elegant, auditable (if you have an auditor), and absolutely verifiable by our partner algorithm."

What the law actually requires (in plain-ish English):

• Publish a probabilistic pseudocode file that samples decision pathways and annotates them with 'interpretability priors.'
• Post a cryptographic pointer to that file on the National Immutable Ledger and the ceremonial plaque in the Rotunda.
• Maintain a compliance oracle API that returns one of three statuses: Transparent, Mostly Transparent, See Counsel.
• Provide a redacted training-data provenance statement, expressed as probability mass functions over dataset origins (base-37 encoding preferred).

How an ordinary person can read these disclosures (actual steps):

• Purchase or borrow a GPU with ≥ 12 TFLOPS and an empathic ear.
• Request the Congressional Decryption Token (available by appointment, Tuesdays only).
• Subscribe to Explainability Runtime v0.9 (beta) for $29.99/month.
• If clarity still eludes you, file a FOIA request, which will be routed to the Algorithmic Clarification Unit and returned as a subpoena.

Hearings were performed with the usual solemnity: CEOs squinted at committee members; senators held up printed QR codes; former regulators read chapter-and-verse of the FAQ in measured tones. Camera crews caught many moments that would later appear in ads: an earnest handshake; a server with a ribbon; a smiling algorithm in the form of an animated GIF.

The genuine result: maximum PR, minimal human comprehension. Constituents will receive weekly newsletters boasting how Congress "took action on AI," while the heavy lifting shifts to compliance teams and paying APIs. A new market already emerged: firms that promise to translate probabilistic pseudocode into something legible for humans (estimated margin: 62%).

"It's brilliant," admitted Cal Mendelson, a political consultant. "We can campaign on 'transparency' and charge consultants to explain it. Voters feel seen. Donors feel safe."

Congress declared victory. The machines logged the disclosures, verified each other, and gave polite thumbs-ups. The public was offered a commemorative NFT. If you want to read the law, bring a server, a prayer, and a willingness to be audited by your toaster.

Transparency — but only if you're a machine. Humans, please enjoy the photo gallery.