Pro Team Hires Mindfulness Coach — Players Now Calmly Lose

A pro team hires a mindfulness coach to cut turnovers; players now achieve emotional equilibrium, sponsor-friendly merch, and a graceful new losing strategy.

Startup Raises $300M to Sell 'Conscience-as-a-Service'

Startup raises $300M to sell 'Conscience-as-a-Service' — subscription ethics that auto-approve product choices, gamify moral risk, and make virtue a KPI.

Mamdani Abolishes Committees, Moves To Twitter Spaces

NY Assemblymember Zohran Mamdani proposes abolishing committees for Twitter Spaces, promising faster hearings, emoji votes, and lobbyists with a 'Speaker' badge.

Megachurch Sells NFT Indulgences — 'Buy One Soul' Now

Megachurch sells 'Indulgence NFTs' with tiered salvation subscriptions, influencer prayers, and a secondary market where scalpers resell forgiveness now.

League Replaces Human Refs With AI 'Intent Engine'

League replaces human refs with a generative-AI 'Intent Engine' that rules in poetry, refuses contrition calls, and turns games into existential draws.

Congress Passes AI Transparency Law Only Algorithms Read

Satire: Congress passes 'AI Transparency' law whose disclosures are probabilistic code on an unreadable blockchain — photo-ops and total opacity. — PR wins.

Caddy Confidential: What a Golf Bag Reveals About Power

An anonymous caddy's inventory, charity receipts, and a presidential golf bag reveal how influence moves—through monogrammed tees and guest lists & towels.

White House Launches 'Presidential Mode' App With Filter

The White House launched 'Presidential Mode' — an app that auto-fact-checks speeches, swaps tangents for pre-approved nostalgia, and adds a 'Dad Joke' filter.

New App Tracks Hustle Hours, Charges Emotional Rent

Satire: an app that tracks hustle hours and charges 'emotional rent'—onboarding asks for your trauma and Stripe key while selling tiered 'grit' subscriptions.

White House Unveils Presidential 'Relatability' Algorithm

White House unveils a 'Relatability Algorithm' that times smiles, pauses, and dad jokes to maximize warmth-per-second. Officials call it 'data-driven charm.'

Global Summit Unveils Peace-as-a-Service Subscriptions

Global summit unveils 'Peace-as-a-Service' for Israel-Gaza: subscription ceasefires with tiered plans, escrowed funds, branded pauses, and contractor add-ons.

Audit Finds More Presidential Work Happened on 18th Hole

FOIA crumbs, aerial photos, travel logs and deadpan math show President Dalton logged more billed hours on the 18th hole than in the Situation Room — audit

Sanctions Now with Free Trial; Putin Learns Unsubscribe Fails

Western sanctions are being marketed like subscription software: free trials, tiers, auto-renewal. The Kremlin discovers there's no unsubscribe button.